I might have a parasite...

Or dengue..

Or something else..

Welp, I'm sick again, and this isn't the first time. Since being in Costa Rica I've been some sort of sick at least once a week. Just to give some perspective, I haven't gotten sick this many times in my entire life! So you can imagine how crazy this first month in Costa has been. 

For the past couple days I've been pretty sick with who knows what. Yes, I did go to the clinic, I was told the possibilities of what it could be but I would need to go get some simple tests to help confirm the diagnosis. Turns out I had to wait a couple days to go get the extra tests only to face the decision that I wouldn't be able to the exact day. Sucks, I know right? I'm waiting. That seems to be a place I've found myself in a lot quite recently. 

For the past week or so the Lord has spoken the word "wait" or "waiting" to me. Whether or not it pertains to me being sick or not I have no idea. But something I do know is that He reassured me when he said that word. I felt his comfort and peace as I began to see and hear that word in all sorts of ways around me. Strangely it has brought me comfort knowing that word, because I trust His Word. 

Im sure there is a plethora of answers to why Ive gotten sick numerous times but I'm not looking for a worldly answer. God has given me his answer and his Word, he knows I trust that more then anything. 

Im about to get real vulnerable..

Tonight on May 4th, 2021, I was ready to sleep but of course I'm wide awake for whatever reason. So I sit up and try to work through my thoughts, process the whole being sick again thing. Meanwhile I'm also listening to my worship music, and I can't help but feel the words so deeply and hear myself calling out to the Lord. I started crying, yearning for Him to meet me right here in my bed. My quiet tears turned into quiet heavy crying. My heavy cry turned into complete sobbing. I just kept thinking how I would still suffer like I am over and over because I love Him. I will give every bit of myself to Him in my most broken place. Here I am broken, falling apart, saying I surrender myself to you. I feel this urge to be on my knees so I'm now on my bed on my knees, my face down sobbing into my blankets, with my hands wide open to the Father. 

I had nothing to give but myself..

I was reminded of the time after losing two of my family members in one month and reliving trauma I had experienced through my high school years. I was in my room with a mind only full of questions, why, why, why. The pit of hurt I was in felt deeper then ever, but there I was crying out, asking God to show up but I didn't see him. 

God has reminded me many times of this moment that happened 2 years ago. He reminds me how far I kept myself from his presence. How far I distanced myself from his love. How much I tried to drown out the still small voice in my head. 

"My beloved daughter"

That's what He calls me, even on the days I resisted Him, he cared for me the same as he does now. 

I have shared all of this because it's real. It's dealing with circumstances I can't control. It reminds me that the work begun in me has never stopped! 

I found myself in a posture of surrender and praise to God because I seek to give everything that I have and everything that I am to Him through surrender and praise. 

The beautiful thing is that I get to suffer and know that God is still so freaking good to me.

How does that make sense? It doesn't. God didn't say we would have pain forever but he did say we would suffer, buttttt He gives this beautiful gift called peace that is abundantly given to us. That's the beautiful part. God abundantly gives himself to us. 

Please continue to pray for me as I battle another time of sickness, that Gods glory would continue to shine more then ever!!