Even when it hurts..

The past few days I have been hurting. Its been officially two years since I lost my Grandpa, it hurts saying these words. My squad was told just hours before our scheduled flight for Guatemala that we weren’t going to be able to leave, do to exposure of a squadmate positive with covid, and the need to quarantine. The squadmate that tested positive also happens to be my best friend too. 

Im sure there’s plenty of others thing that are hurting me right now but these are the ones that have been weighing a ton. 

Every moment I feel this hurt creep up I cringe, but Jesus reminds me of what he’s capable of. This doesn’t take away the fact that I’m hurting, it addresses it. Our Father cares how we feel, He laughs when we laugh, He cries when we cry, He hurts when we hurt. He shows us there is no greater love than His, its eternal! It’s never-ending! It’s never-failing! It’s always constant.

Losing my grandpa was the best thing that could’ve happened. He was so in love with the Lord and it showed through every bit of his life. He had a giving spirit, always making sure we could plant a seed wherever he went. He poured into my family’s life, he poured into me. Watching Billy Graham on Sunday mornings, then turning on Nascar while we ate lunch. But he was in pain, his health was suffering. I saw as he got worse His love for the father grew more, his desire to be with Jesus grew. It was time, even though it hurt.

Being told our squad couldn’t leave was devastating. Sitting all around our squad mentor as she breaks the news that we will be quarantining for up to a week. My heart sunk deep in my chest. I was praying ” Lord you know what this means to us, we want to do what you’ve called us to do, why can’t we leave?” Tears weld up in my eyes, trying to swallow the shock. All in His timing, I kept telling myself, did I believe it, definitely not in that moment but I knew it was the truth. Not going to Guatemala yet, even though it hurt.

Finding out Lydia tested positive for Covid struck me with grief. I wasn’t going to be able to be around her for a week at least. I prayed and believed her test would be negative but it wasn’t, I didn’t understand. I miss her very much, seeing her and saying a few words to her as she goes toward the bathroom wasn’t enough. Get this though, God has given her so much joy, He is moving in her, he is comforting her daily! She sits deeper in his presence than ever before. She has become a brighter light for the Father and what He has called her to do. She is stronger because she has chosen to face these battles with our Abba. She had to be isolated, even though it hurt.

Out of all this I am hurt but He is still right beside be saying “Hey let’s do this together.” Even when I’m hurting He is still good, he is moving, he is pouring his love over me and everyone else. 

I really felt this on my heart to share because not everything we face will be fun or full of laughter, but it will always be for our Abba Father.

-Kayci S.